The Strong-Willed Wife

I love my husband. I really do. Madly, in fact.

I love that he's on an eternal quest for knowledge. I love that if I ask him a question (such as, “Can snakes climb stairs?”), he answers a thoughtful, “I don't know.” Then, a second later, I hear the click-click of his iPhone as he types something into the search engine. And long after I've moved on to other topics of thought, Ryan is still sitting in the corner, his face illuminated by the light of his phone while he soaks up knowledge on a random subject. And finally, after perusing various internet articles, he emerges back into my world: "So, yes, snakes CAN climb stairs."

People probably think it’s rude, if they don't know what he’s doing. Maybe we're sitting and talking with friends in our family room, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Ryan suddenly bury himself in his phone. It looks, on the outside, like the conversation is boring him. But not so! Something in the conversation merely piqued his interest, and as a result, he is learning more about it. Give it five to seven minutes and he'll say, "Yeah, so, on average, Florida is the warmest state year-round” or “Yes, there’s going to be an annular eclipse on Sunday.”

We don’t actually sit around talking eclipses or the temperature of our country. Well, maybe we do, but those are merely examples. But I did ask him whether or not snakes can climb stairs. :-)

Ryan is incredibly intelligent. He’s a sponge for information. He doesn’t forget anything he hears or anything he reads. He is naturally shy and quiet, so sometimes his intelligence is vastly underestimated. My co-workers have commented that my stories of Ryan and our life together are very different from the impression they get from him in person. He’s underestimated, simply because he’s not the life of the party. It reminds me of that scripture in Proverbs that says that even a fool is thought wise if he keeps his mouth shut. Only, in this case, Ryan keeps his mouth shut because he’s actually wise.  :-)  That’s something I really admire in him.

I love my husband to pieces, and his thirst for knowledge and quiet wisdom are just two of the reasons why.

I simply say all this to preface my main point, so that you don't think that I think ill of Ryan in any way. :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Apparently, in his opinion, I'm a strong-willed wife. Yep, just like the famous Dobson book about the strong-willed child, I'm apparently a bit pushy in my own home (or so I've recently learned).

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I wanted to spend a little bit of our tax refund on registering Ryley for diving lessons and guitar lessons this summer. I asked Ryan for permission, and he said no.

Seriously? Surely, he’s just being obstinate, I thought. Ryan is naturally very obstinate and against-the-grain. He plays the devil’s advocate a lot.

So I gave it a day, and I asked him again.

“Why do you bother asking?” he answered. “It doesn’t matter if I say no. You’ll end up doing it anyway.”

“I don’t want you to be mad at me all summer. I want you to be a part of the decision,” I answered.

“Sure you do. My answer is still no.”

I tried a different tactic. Maybe he wasn’t understanding why I wanted to sign her up for these things. Maybe he needed to buy into it. So I explained that Ryley has been asking for guitar lessons ever since Santa brought her a guitar for Christmas. I explained that she also has said that diving looks so fun when she watches the divers during her swimming lessons. It’d be something different!

“No. It’s a waste of money.”

He was right. I was beginning to think I should just sign her up anyway. After all, he didn’t have good reasoning. The lessons aren’t expensive at all, and I think you just can’t put a price on good learning experiences.

My father-in-law once told me too that he believes the key to raising daughters is keeping them busy so they don’t have time to get into trouble. The time spent in diving and guitar lessons this summer would be much better spent than sitting in front of the TV watching “Sponge Bob Square Pants.”

I gave it another day and asked him again. He just laughed at me.

Then I texted him while he was at work.

“Fine,” he responded.

Later he told me that his reluctance was really just an experiment to see if I’d do it without his agreement.

“I did wait for your permission,” I reminded him.

“It doesn’t matter. Even if I’d held firm, you would have signed her up anyway.”

I hated to admit it, but he was right. There’s a part of me that’s extremely strong-willed, and I just kind of do what I want sometimes.  It’s why we stop at Starbucks on roadtrips, even though he won’t be getting anything. It’s why we continue to fill our DVR with recordings of Little House and Brady Bunch. It’s why our first bed comforter was lavender. It’s why we teach Sunday School.

“Like with food,” he continued. “It doesn’t matter whether or not I like it, you just make whatever you want for dinner, and I eat it.”

As we talked, the list grew quickly of foods that I make that he honestly doesn’t care for (not because I don’t cook well, but because he just doesn’t like them). Cabbage burgers, pizza (Ryan gets a lot of flak for this), tacos, chili, enchiladas, anything spicy….If it were up to him, we’d have variations of meat and potatoes every day...steak and fries, chicken and mashed potatoes, chicken and noodles, spaghetti and meatballs, beef stroganoff.  He has a very subtle palate.

And apparently, sometime during the 13.5 years that we’ve been married, I subconsciously decided that if I wanted enchiladas, then darn it, I was going to make them. If I wanted to get in touch with my German roots and make cabbage burgers, then I’d make them. If I wanted pizza, I’d order it. I’m not going to limit myself and my tastes just because my husband’s tastes are different* than mine. He can just deal with it.

When we go out to eat, we always get chips and salsa. Not because he likes it, but because I insist.

To his credit, he just lets me do all these things, for the most part without complaint. Until now, apparently.

If it were up to him, we wouldn’t have any plans on Saturdays. He’s content with having a free day with nothing on the agenda. I like days like that, too. But I’m also not against having plans when they make our lives richer. It’s ok to be a party-pooper, but not when the party-pooping ruins other people’s parties.

So which is it?

Am I a control freak wife with a massively strong will, while Ryan is an impressively loving husband who gives over to my every whim, despite his discomforts?

Or am I just an outgoing woman who likes excitement, married to a man** who prefers a stress-free, carefree, simple life?

Hmmm. Maybe it’s a bit of both. Maybe we happen to complement each other perfectly.  I’d like to think that I do add a little spice to his life. He’d certainly be bored without me. :-)

But I, too, would lead a boring life without him. :-)

One thing is for sure. I better let Ryan read and approve this post before I go on and publish it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Edited to replace the words “pickier” and “blander,” at Ryan’s request

**Edited to replace the words “party pooper” and “homebody,” at Ryan’s request.