Surviving

It is so crazy and surreal that national news anchors have set up camp in our little corner of the world….that we see our familiar landmarks and stomping grounds on national TV….that our community is going through this horrific experience. It’s crazy and horrible and so, so sad. It doesn’t seem real. You hear about this stuff, but it never happens in your neighborhood, you know? My heart breaks for each family, for each story…for the very thought that there are parents going from hospital to hospital with pictures of their kids, saying, “Have you seen my son?”

Just to state the facts, we live four miles from the Century 16 movie theater. It’s the halfway point between our house and Ryley’s school. That’s our theater. I took Ryley and her friend to see “Brave” there a couple of weeks ago. Before that, Ryan and I saw “The Avengers,” and my mom took Ryley to see “Madagascar.” In the eight years we’ve lived in Aurora, we’ve probably seen 20 to 25 movies at that theater, including our special memory of Ryley’s first movie ever when she was uber little, “Curious George.”

Ryan’s restaurant is very close to the gunman’s apartment – so close that he was part of an effort to provide lunch to the SWAT team and bomb squad yesterday. He’s part of an effort to provide lunch to apartment evacuees and Red Cross workers today. When they saw the suspect’s picture on the news, Ryan and his employees recognized him as a frequent customer. It’s crazy to think how many times danger walks in and out of your life, and you don’t even know it.

As Ryan said last night, in any setting, in any environment, we’re never promised tomorrow.

It makes me want to do more…to use every moment of my life more wisely. It makes me want to share Jesus more freely with the people in my community. Somehow I hope that after this horrific event, people’s hearts may be more primed to hear of His love. Just this morning, I had a wonderful conversation with Ryley’s best friend’s mom. It’s a start.

Jesus, please use us here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to admit that it has been an emotionally overwhelming few weeks for me, in every aspect of my life.

As for Ryan’s dad….The hospital in Tampa had said that though his body was healing from the bypass surgery, there was very little they could do for his mind. They believed he would come back in time, but it was beyond their capabilities. They recommended that he be transfered to a facility that could offer him the therapy he needs for mental restoration. But somehow around the time that he was transfered, his incision re-opened, and upon examination of it, it was discovered that his sternum was broken as well. They took him back to the ICU in Tampa where he awaits surgery this week to repair the sternum with plates and bolts.

It’s seriously the never-ending saga! Poor guy. Ryan’s stepmom Linda says he seems to be more aware than he has been, but because of the trach in his throat, he is unable to talk. He tries anyway, and she says it’s heartbreaking to watch. We feel so bad for him…how frustrated he must be at not being able to communicate for the last month and a half. More than anything, Ryan misses talking to his dad. He had to fire someone at his restaurant last week, and the one person he wanted to talk to about it was his dad…the man he looks up to for professional advice.

Ron’s always in the back of our minds, in the forefront of our minds, and in our constant prayers. We pray for his peace of mind, we pray for his healing, we pray for Linda’s strength. It’s heart-wrenching.

On the good side of this situation, however, I have seen so much spiritual growth and maturity in Ryan in the last few weeks. He seems at peace with the situation overall. We’ve had some long discussions about the “will of God” and interpreting what that means and how we are supposed to pray.

I have to admit that many times I have questioned why we bother praying at all, if God’s going to have His will anyway. I got so excited when I read “The Lord’s Prayer” recently in Luke 11 (NIV), and the words “Thy will be done” were left out.  The rest of the passage is also very good about prayer…about asking God for what we want. I thought, maybe the modern Church has added “Thy will be done.” Maybe Jesus never meant for those words to be there in the version of the prayer we’ve all memorized! Here I thought I had come across some great spiritual discovery. But then Ryan reminded me that there is also the account in Matthew, where the words “Thy will be done” are included.

The truth is that sometimes we pray, and things don’t turn out the way we like. We’ve prayed for Ron’s healing, and it has been far from quick; in fact, it has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and confusion and heartbreak that requires constant submission to God’s will. So is God taking His time in this so that we all get the spiritual growth that we need in the long process? Is His will that we walk through this situation for our personal growth of character? And Ryan reminded me that the purpose of praying for God’s will is to align our hearts with His plan and what He wants to do. Because His will is perfect.

This situation with Ryan’s dad has us constantly surrendering him to Him. We don’t know what the outcome will be, and we don’t know how long of a process this will be. Weeks? Years? But this line from Ryan’s favorite book and movie is a constant source of hope.

Regardless of what happens, this is not the end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We enrolled Ryley in diving lessons at her request. Remember that debacle? She’s been asking for about a year. But since she’s started, she’s been dealing with fear of going headfirst into the water. She admits it’s fear, and she admits it’s unexplainable and unfounded. It was so bad that she would cry and throw fits as we prepared to go to the lessons. She would cry days in advance at the very thought of diving. She would cry at the lessons themselves. The fear of diving was crippling her. In fact, it was ruining the summer.

I know you probably think we’re horrible parents for making her go through with it. :-)  Let me tell you: as parents, we were torn. We never want to force her into a situation where she feels unsafe. We never want to force her to do what we want and not what she wants. But she had wanted this. We paid money for it. And we refuse to raise a quitter. She’s a good swimmer, and she loves water. It’s not like she’s drowning. The fear was totally coming from the devil.

“Consider it pure joy when you go through trials of many kinds because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so we can be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” – somewhere in James

We weren’t going to let her out of it. Just like we can’t get out of the situation with Ryan’s dad, we really felt like Ryley needed to walk through this situation too.

So Ryan spent a good deal of time reading through James with Ryley one evening, and they spent a lot of time praying. Oh my goodness. Let me tell you: that evening had started out so badly, and within an hour, the entire atmosphere in our house changed. The peace of God filled our home. Ryley has gone to three diving lessons since then, and it has been amazing. No tears. No screaming. Just perseverance and bravery, as well as a teacher who understands and is being kind.

Thank You, Jesus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the midst of all of this, my workplace has been insane. In fact, I am going in this afternoon, on a Saturday, for four hours just to play catch-up in (hopefully) what will be peace and quiet.

I work every day 8:30 to 3:00, and there is so much crap to deal with that I often start freaking out at 10 a.m. that there is literally not enough time to do everything that needs to be done before 3:00. I could probably work 50 hours a week right now, and I am squeezing it all into 32.5. There’s so much pressure; I can’t even begin to describe it.

Let’s just say this….The environment is so intense and stressful that not a word was mentioned about the theater massacre all day yesterday because we did not have time to think about it. We’re probably the only workplace in all of Denver that did not speak of what was happening just a few miles away. From the moment I walked in the door, I was under intense pressure.

I know. It’s just roofing. Tell our customers that. They get awfully witchy.

Please be nice to your local roofing contractor. You have no idea.

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling like I just might walk out and leave it all behind. And God just impressed upon me about my steps being ordered of the Lord. I started praying for that specifically…that He would order my every move in that office. And it was peaceful for awhile, as I prayed that every day.

But then, my mind got on my father-in-law and the situation in the movie theater, and I forgot to pray. And my days were horrific again.

So my work life is insane, my personal life is heart-wrenching, my daughter is struggling, my community is heart-broken. I’m just floating from crappy situation to crappy situation.

I’m learning that it’s worth it to spend quality time in prayer every day. It’s worth it to give the days to God. I literally cannot handle it on my own.

We’re surviving. We’re making it.

But all the glory goes to God.