Courage

What a strange, stressful few weeks it has been on many levels! God is speaking to me about the frailty of life...about the importance of being courageous and stepping out to do what I am called to do. I am learning to prioritize my family over my job. I am mourning for two separate families we know who have lost husbands/fathers much too soon. And we are wondering and praying about how God will use us to do what He created us to do in the limited years that we have to make an impact on this earth.

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I was a freshman in college when I first admired Shannon...a quiet, beautiful blonde who lived one door down and across the hall. She was sweet and smart and completely in love with her fiance Ryan. Long after midnight, I would often see Shannon sitting in the hallway on the phone with Ryan, talking and laughing quietly, studying, etc. She practically lived in the hall outside her door. She was engaged then, and I think she and Ryan got married that following summer and commuted for a year before graduating. They were a cute couple, and they carried that sweet newlywed aura wherever I saw them on campus.

That was the last I heard of Shannon. I've thought of her many times in the last 12 or 13 years, and I have often wondered where she and Ryan ended up, whether they had a family, etc.

Then yesterday, one of my college friends posted a link on Facebook, and I clicked on it. I found myself face-to-face with their pictures...12 years older, but still as beautiful of a couple as ever. And I found myself reading an incredible story of how, this past weekend, Shannon's husband Ryan (now an orthodontist) went through a simultaneous surgery with his liver-diseased brother Chad, in order to donate 60% of his liver and save his brother's life. But a couple of days after the successful transplant, Ryan (the donor) was struggling with his recovery. He went into cardiac arrest and ended up passing away yesterday afternoon. Meanwhile, his brother Chad's prospects look hopeful.

I just can't even imagine.... What a tremendous, heartbreaking story of how one brother laid down his life for the other... And I have been praying continually for Shannon and their three small boys. Can you imagine what this family is going through?

I just think back to the days when I knew them...when they were young and full of hope for a long life together. How could this have been the plan for them all along?

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Another good family friend of ours named Patty lost her husband on Friday to an aneurism in his aorta. He had horrible back pain in the middle of the night and died extremely suddenly. I haven't known what to say to Patty; my heart breaks for her, and I didn't know how to reach out at all. The funeral is scheduled at an awkward time for me to try to attend (with work, picking up Ryley, etc.), so I haven't been sure how it was going to work out. Then she called me this morning to talk about some business matters, and I just knew then that I had to go to the funeral. For her.

My aunt will graciously pick up Ryley from daycare since Ryan can't get out of work that evening, and it will all work out.

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Life is short. Shorter than we know. In the midst of all of this, I have been dealing with some issues at my job that have stirred my heart toward expanding my (non-existent?) niche in the freelance editing/writing genre. That is my dream...to edit and write all day long. To make money at it too! Ha! But I am 32 years old, and it's time to start making progress toward what I really want to do...what I feel I am called to do. What holds me back? Fear of a non-fixed income? Fear of rejection? Both? But if God is in the dream, then surely He will orchestrate it, right? I have to be willing to take more risks.

Also, with Ryley entering second grade, God put on Ryan's and my heart that I needed to be off of work every day at 3:00 so that she wouldn't have to go to daycare anymore. I proposed this to my boss, and it was approved....then denied two weeks later. I had to fight for it and tweak my schedule somewhat to make it work for them, too, but in the end, God gave me favor, and I didn't have to fight as hard as I expected. He worked it out. For now.

What it comes down to is that whether it be Ryley, my writing/editing projects, my overall health and exercise, or the keeping of our home, my life needs me for 10 more hours per week. I need me for 10 more hours a week, or I will severely regret it down the road. My family comes first. My God-given dreams come first. This is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart for the last week, and God is finally bringing it all together. I know it's not over. I need to continually work hard to expand my freelance business and get to a place where it is enough income. That takes courage that I am still working on. :-) He is Jehovah Jireh, and He provides and makes a way. In the meantime, though it's not currently the most pleasant situation, I am grateful for my job and for the experience in PR, accounting, and human resources that I am gaining every minute of the day.

We have dreams of owning our own bookstore.... Ryan would like to teach college English, as well as write. I would like to write and edit books. We would like a few more children. We have to know that He is using the variety of situations and experiences in our life to prepare us for the next step...whatever that may be.

"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” -- Deuteronomy 31:6

Life is too short to waste. Shannon's husband Ryan and Patty's husband Rob didn't know that that day would be their last. One week ago they were each living their lives like the rest of us. And now they're in heaven much sooner than anyone could have imagined.

We must be courageous.