The Value of “Stay”

Our 14th wedding anniversary was this past week.  There’s nothing extraordinary or special about the 14-year mark….It’s not 10; it’s not 15; it’s not 20. It doesn’t necessarily warrant a second honeymoon or an expensive piece of jewelry. It’s just another year in between the big ones. But it is no less important: it still required staying.

Over the course of the last few months, as my co-workers and I made conversation about holiday plans, I realized that I am the only one in my office whose parents are still together. All the others had to juggle their time between multiple sides of their families…dad’s house, dad’s parents’ house, mom’s house, mom’s parents’ house, stepdad’s family, etc., etc. That’s our society’s new normal, I suppose. Families like mine are increasingly rare.

I wouldn’t begin to judge anyone’s split-up marriage; I know there are a lot of very bad situations out there. It’s just sad that there are men who don’t stay faithful to their wives…who don’t stay present in their family’s lives. And the same goes for the women who don’t stay faithful. It’s certainly not what God intended when he came up with the whole idea.

 

(finding my wedding dress while on a missions trip in Germany)

I am thankful for the legacy of “staying” in my family. My grandparents were married 58 years when my grandpa passed away. Their marriage was, to me, the epitome of faithfulness. They were farmers in western Nebraska, and my mom tells stories of how when a hailstorm ruined their entire crop one year, they packed up the four kids and drove to Denver for a few days so they wouldn’t have to look at the torn-up fields. They had good times and bad times. When I try to put 58 individual years in perspective, it gets a little overwhelming. That’s 58 Christmases, 58 harvests, thousands of loads of laundry, thousands of meals cooked and eaten and dinner discussions had, multiple disagreements, and countless inside jokes.  But they stayed together.

(my parents on the left and grandparents on the right, 1971)

My parents will celebrate their 40th anniversary on May 27! I am so proud of them. They have become fused together like a fixture in my mind. Gene and Kathy. Mom and Daddy. Despite having two very different personalities and very different interests, they are still very much in love. And despite difficulties here and there, good years and bad years, they put their trust in God. They fight through the tough times. They stay. What an amazing example they are for us!

And it’s not just my parents and grandparents. There is no divorce in my extended family. My aunts and uncles on my mom’s side of the family have been married 39, 30, and 21 years. My two cousins have each been married 16 years. My brother and his wife just celebrated 10. It is a very special legacy that I thank God for. And I think it goes back to the kind of people my grandparents raised their kids to be. And then those kids raised their kids. And those kids are raising their kids. And we are raising Ryley. And we pray for Ryley’s husband, too…that God is with him wherever he is and that he understands the value of staying.

For better or worse. Richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. We steel ourselves against the odds…odds that say more than half of marriages end in divorce…and we stay.

Ryley and I were listening to her new Taylor Swift album this week, and we fell in love with the song, “Stay Stay Stay.” I actually find a lot of irony in the fact that Taylor is no longer “with” whoever she wrote this song about. :-) But still, the lyrics are so true.  “I want to hang out with you…my whole life.”

My sentiments exactly.

As I was contemplating our last year (which wasn’t the best all around, for reasons unrelated to our marriage), I couldn’t think of a time when things were bad enough between us that I ever considered leaving. Sure, we’ve had our moments of disagreement. I remember getting so angry at Ryan while doing dishes one time this summer that I hit him in his back with a plate. He, however, claims to not remember that instance, as he apparently “keeps no record of wrongs.” Ha ha. He was trained well. :-)

We just can’t take ourselves too seriously. We can’t over-think things. We just need to stay.

We don’t know what challenges or obstacles we will face in 2013. After having kind of a bad year, I have to admit that I am a little wary of what may be around the corner. I am having some trouble shaking that awful sense of foreboding. Ryan, however, has a ton of faith for us right now, and he has been so good to encourage me. I’m leaning on his faith when I’m having trouble mustering up my own.  We’re good for each other that way. And so we stay.

After 14 years, we have so many memories that are “just ours”….inside jokes that nobody else will ever get…

When we’ve been blessed enough to have been married 40 years or 58 years, I can’t even imagine how much more “fused together” we will have become. And how wonderful that will be.

So, here’s to 14 years of marriage, 14 years of staying. And many, many more!